So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
