Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
