btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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