Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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