Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
