Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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