she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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