Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
