did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
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I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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