Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
