Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
