my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
