So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
