I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
