I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
