what day is it and did you see me today?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
