hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
