party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
