I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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