if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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