So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
