Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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