Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wish there were birth control emojis
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
