OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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