Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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