One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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