I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I AM VODKA MAN
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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