i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
