rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
