i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
