I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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