You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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