i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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