My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
