I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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