You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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