So drunk its hurt
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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