the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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