I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
