i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
