i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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