Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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