Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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