My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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