she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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