I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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