I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We need to get me chipped asap
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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