Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
