Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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