I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
