Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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