The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize