We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
