my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
