were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
