I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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